Raining or what?
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think its raining." he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me."
she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.
They were just about to begin arguing with each other about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said:
"Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining of course." he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted,
"I know that felt like snow!"
To which her husband quietly replied:
RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE DEAR!
Simon Day
In Honor of Stupid People . . .
In case you needed further proof that the human race
is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer
goods.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -
'Do not turn upside down.'
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
==========================
On Sainsbury's peanuts
-
'Warning: contains nuts.'
(talk about a news flash)
===========================
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after
taking
this medication.'
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we
could just get those 5 year-
==========================
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -
'Product will be hot after heating.'
(...and you
thought????...)
=======================
On a Sears hairdryer -
Do not use while
sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
====================================
On a bag of Fritos -
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
===========================
On a bar of Dial soap -
'Directions:
Use like regular soap.'
(and that would be???....)
============================
On
some Swanson frozen dinners -
'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
========================
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -
'Do not iron clothes
on body.'
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
==============================
On Nytol
Sleep Aid -
'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
(..I'm taking this because???....)
==============================
On most brands of Christmas lights -
'For indoor
or outdoor use only.'
(as opposed to what?)
==========================
On a Japanese
food processor -
'Not to be used for the other use.'
(now, somebody out there, help
me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
==============================
On an American Airlines
packet of nuts -
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'
(Step 3: say what?)
===========================
On a child's Superman costume -
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to
fly.'
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
========================
On a Swedish chainsaw -
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
===========================
***Blessed are the cracked:
for it is they who let in the light*****
If I make a Teddy Bear for £10 and call it Mohammed, then sell it for £20 , have I made a profit?
RE snr
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets
> up and moves
to the First Class section and sits down.The flight
> attendant watches her do this
and asks to see her ticket. She then tells
> the blonde passenger that she paid for
Economy and that she will have to
> go and sit in the back.
>
> The blonde replies,
'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne
> and I'm staying right here!'
>
> The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
> co-
> belongs in Economy and won't
move back to her seat.
>
> The co-
> she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place
and
> she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
> The blonde replies,
I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne
> and I'm staying right here!'
>
> Exasperated the co-
> probably
should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
> blonde woman that won't
listen to reason.
>
> The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?' 'I'll handle this, I'm
married
> to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'
> He goes back to the blonde, whispers
in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm
> sorry I had no idea," gets up and moves back to
her seat in the economy
> section.>
> The flight attendant and co-
> to make her move without any fuss.
> The pilot replied,
"I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."
Irish Clock
Proudly showing off his newly-
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the
friend's asked.
"Issss nod a gong Issss a talking Irish clock" he drunkenly replied.
"A
talking Irish clock -
"Yup." "Hmmm (hic)."
"How's it work?" the second
friend asked, squinting at it.
"Just watch" he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the
gong an 'ear-
Suddenly, a distinctly Irish voice
from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f*#k's sake, you stupid tw#t . It's
ten past three in the f*#king morning!!!”
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 or,
If you're not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.
1. Kidnappers are
not very
interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you
are likely to be released
first.
3. No one expects you to run-
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did
I wake you???"
5. People no longer view you
as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing
left to
learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't
wear out.
8 You can eat dinner
at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex
but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated
arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of
speed limits as challenge.
12.
You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter
who walks into the room.
13. You
sing along with
elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get
much worse.
15. Your investment
in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate
meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your
friends because they can't remember them either.
18 Your supply of brain cells is
finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember
who sent you this list!
And
you notice these are
all in Big Print for your convenience.
SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW
"WE WOULD RATHER
DO BUSINESS WITH
1,000 AL-
THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH
SOLDIER!"
scroll down
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a
business
in Campbeltown Scotland
and you are probably outraged at the thought of such an
inflammatory
statement.
Scroll down>
However, we are a society which holds
Freedom of Speech as perhaps
our greatest liberty.
And after all, it is only a sign.
You may ask,
"what kind of business would dare post such a sign ?."
Answer: A Funeral
Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humour?)
You gotta love it!!!
God Bless
Scotland
An picture circulating
around the internet.
WHY NOT EH?
And a little extra........................
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600
employees and has the following statistics?
29 have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
4 have been arrested on drug-
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year
Which organisation is this?
It ' s the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks
out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in
line.
NEWSFLASH!
HUMOUR
NEWSFLASH!
The European Union Commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceeded that English spelling
had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-
In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”..Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k”. Not only will this klear up konfusion but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z” and “w” by “v£.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou”, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place...Sent in by Harold (Chalkie) White (Middle Eastern vets Association/ France and Germany Association)
A COLLECTION OF HUMOUR SENT IN BY READERS AND MEMBERS